Start with Gratitude

As I lay in bed falling asleep last night, at the end of my first time at the Festival of Faith & Writing at Calvin University, my mind scrolled back through conversations during the day, and tears started to well up in my eyes with gratitude.

The festival has something like 1400 attendees, and the schedule is packed full. In the span of less than 10 hours, there were opportunities to go to 7 separate sessions, if you participated in a lunch circle. The mind and body that I inhabit needed a little more time and space, so I opted to skip one of the morning sessions and an afternoon sessions. During that time, I walked in the brisk air, sat in a quiet spot, strolled through an art exhibit, perused books at the multiple bookseller tables scattered across the campus (and bought a few from them). But those were not the scenes that were replaying.

It was the chance to tell Leslie Leyland Fields that I have appreciated her work for several years, but that just one week ago, the metaphor of a halibut came to me while I was journaling. I knew that this metaphor was available to me because she had written about it in her book Crossing the Waters. When I pulled it off the shelf to check, I saw that it was the book that she had autographed for me at the Breathe Writers’ Conference in 2017, also held at Calvin, which is the only other big writing gathering I have ever attended. And I was so delighted when arrived here on Thursday and she was the first person I saw when I stepped into the exhibit hall.

It was the chance to tell Barbara Brown Taylor (@barbarabrowntaylor), as she was autographing my copy of her book Holy Envy, that her book Learning to Walk in the Dark was a helpful companion to me when I needed to learn how to navigate and tolerate doubt and uncertainty. At dinner with a friend the previous day, when I mentioned how much I was looking forward to hearing her give the closing plenary, he asked if I was going to try to meet her. I said I was not because I did not like the idea of standing in line with hundreds of others for a brief encounter. But I happened to passing by her earlier book signing of the day and ended up being the last in line of a short line, so I made the most of the opportunity.

It was the chance to talk to poet Todd Davis twice. First, in passing him on the stairs at one of the few times it was not packed with people rushing to the next venue. The second was another time I walked by at the tail end of a book signing and could say thank you for sharing a powerful story about Menno Simons and the way he lived out his values and telos, ultimately resulting in his death. I shared that I recently became more curious about Mennonite history and beliefs as it is part of my own family history and inheritance, and I appreciated being surprised by the way a response during Q&A connected to my own experience. We had a lovely brief conversation about paying attention, the way the stories we carry change over time, and the way we are changed by stories.

It was the chance to say thank you and give one last hug to Ryan Apple, one of my first friends in college, for being present during those early awkward days. Over dinner the night before, we were reflecting back on who we were and how we felt we needed to show up then. We caught up on each other’s lives sense then. We pondered how we are both the same and different now as we were when we first met 30 years ago. Earlier in the day, I had purchased In a Strange Land: Introducing Ten Kingdom Poets, a collection that includes some of his poetry, and he humored me with an autograph.

Laying in bed last night, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for these gifts throughout the day.

And I also realized that I finally knew what I wanted my first essay on Substack to be. I have been collecting ideas and even some initial drafts of essays to share on this platform for more than 6 months. But I have struggled with the actual start. And filled with the inspiration and encouragement of this great gathering of readers and writers and thinking, I have gathered up the courage.

With these words from the opening plenary by Robin Wall Kimmerer, replaying in mind, I knew how to start.

“Start with gratitude.”

Indeed.

As she describes in her book The Serviceberry, gratitude is an act of reciprocity. It is an act of giving back to a being who has given to you.

The tears that came last night were not those filled with grief and sadness and despair. They were filled with joy and hope and the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with telling someone that their offerings to the world have mattered to you.

And carrying those gifts into the world by doing my own work allows their offering to be multiplied.

To all of those mentioned here, to the other speakers who inspired and encouraged with their offerings, and to all the other attendees who welcomed each other this week, thank you.